What would you now wish for your friend? If you had a choice to make?

Cec and Fred,

I am very sorry to hear of your friend's death. I feel for you and Fred, these are the times when we question God's ways.

It would seem from my observation that death never comes late enough, even when expected.
Not having forewarning, seems to be beyond our human imagination.

I see death as a friend, but we humans always want something, which is not available to us:

The choice of how each of us will die, is not in our hands.
It is another of those things where we have to be humble and accepting of God's way, not being within our range of choices.
It is also something challenging, which each of us has to master.
It might be hard for his family and friends, but it was an instant felling of this person, instead of having to go through interminable medical appointments, prolonging life steps, sad thoughts about how the family is going to manage, etc. etc.
If you have a terminal illness, then you might prefer to be having 'a drop dead experience'.
So I find myself envying this person and wishing my family would not have to go through what is ahead of us.
Even now, when I am still able to manage my life quite well, I see the helpless look in Tom's eyes. The suffering he goes through is greater than any I am going through and I am powerless to change his suffering and he to change mine, although I feel I am suffering less than he does. This is an unspeakable agony I observe in my powerlessness, many tears have flown on this subject already and there will be many more before I take my last breath.
Each night when I lie, enveloped in Tom's arms, I feel his love for me so intensively and he feels it too. We say the words that we love each other and in these words are the words unspoken of how we are powerless to protect one another from the suffering we each know the other has gone through that day. And also the unspoken words that our love is going to have to be enough to carry us through what we are experiencing, come what may.
At least 5-10 times daily one of us will go to the other and give a kiss or a hug, which helps us to strengthen each other for the daily journey we encounter of thoughts, observations and facts being brought up, not mention doubts and insecurities.
As I only have one precious child, I know she suffers and can hardly imagine how long it will be before I actually die, but she is confronted with these painful thoughts constantly. Oh how I wish to spare her from all of this, but once again I am powerless against all of this.I can only pray that God protects her and helps her through this time and in the future when I am no longer here.
Jenny and I love to talk to each other. The thoughts sometimes come to me that we should not talk to each other too much, so that when I die, she doesn't suffer too much and miss too much these long intensive conversations we have. What kind of thoughts are these? They seem completely crazy, but they arise out of a wish to help her not to hurt so much. But of course we talk on, as neither of us has the power not to talk, as long as I am still able. Buckets of tears fall, as I write these words. It hurts me so much that I am incapable of shielding my beloved daughter from this anguish.

The family friends have been spared the anguish of watching a perfectly healthy person, slowly dwindle away, in pain, be half the person they once were, etc.

The question is basically:

How does one complete life in a way which is still worthy and reflective of the values one had and not become a blubbering pity party number, when you know you probably will not be granted healing?

To die with dignity, when your body is dying off bit by bit requires much soul searching, strength and determination.

So Cec and Fred, I don't know whether these thoughts help you, but they might give you a new perspective for being thankful that your friend's wife and family have a tremendous shock to cope with now, as you two do too, but have perhaps been spared much heartache with some of the listed agonies families have to cope with over many years, when the experience of dying is a slow process of daily being able to discover, they can no longer do whatever the discovery of the day is for that person.

Much strength is needed to say goodbye to a beloved person, but I see there is even more needed when the person dies slowly.

What would you now wish for your friend? If you had a choice to make?

I send you God's heavenly love and wisdom to cope with your loss.

Bridget

SAYING GOODBYE THE RIGHT WAY?

You have caught the Maori way in the first day in one shot! They are extremely into welcoming people in what to us Pakeha seems long winded and the same goes for death. Some of my best friends are Maori and they are always off to some wake or other. They never leave the body on its own until it is laid to rest in the ground! If it is not that they are at unveilings (of the stone), which I gather take place about 1 year after the funeral. It is considered very important too. So they really honour their dead BIG!! It has been in the news that they are now repatriating skulls from a French museum collection, that are several hundred years old. They lay so much importance on this. They also try to find out in this case from which tribe the skulls came, as they feel they need to be put to rest in the ancestral set up. So it is not just a thing for the present person dying, but something they feel necessary for long past generations.

Some of the Pakeha have taken this on too. They find this a wonderful way to be with the body until it is interred, talk to the person, cry together in privacy and heal any outstanding thoughts which were never expressed to the person, while alive.

I know one family a few years back, who were VERY,VERY angry with their father and husband for committing suicide in front of his wife, by sticking a carving knife concealed under his shirt into his heart. It is a family that considers themselves in the higher echelons of society and would not normally duck out of responsibility for anything. But he could not get over the fact that he had ridden over his daughter, when she was opening a gate on a farm and he had done something wrong while driving an automatic. She is still alive, was in hospital for 6 months, but will be in pain and not walk freely ever again. He could not live with this and decided his fate, a few weeks after his daughter left hospital and went back to her home in England.

Well that death was a real shocker for the family, but they insisted to have the body at home. They talked to him, put letters to him in the coffin. The grandchildren also could be near their grandfather. The family members were able to shout, cry and express any other feeling they wanted to. There was always someone with him until the day he was buried. It obviously did not help to heal everything in such a situation, but was felt to be a really good way to express their love, shock, disbelief, anger at what he had done.

I also feel this is a good way to have a send off. I do believe we Caucasians try to get rid of the subject of death in a too clinical way and often spend years getting over the death of people we loved due to this. Also people do not face their mortality and run around trying to be immortal. We should all have training on the subject of death, so that we do not try avoid it under all circumstances. I believe that many people who have for example cancer should/would benefit from facing the death and what it means to them in reality. Once you have truly faced your fears on the subject, you can honestly get on with living and trying to survive your fate/illness to the best of your ability.

When I lived in Germany I went through a course to become a telephone counsellor. We had hundreds of hours of training and also had to read piles of books and amongst them was a classic on death and what the dying have to say about it from Elizabeth Kubler-Ross. It is worth reading and even having permanently to refer to. I have made it one of the subjects I talk about freely, both to my daughter and also to Tom. He is 75 and I 62, but my daughter is just 22 and she is the one who I concern myself with and about, as far as my death is concerned, as we are VERY close. I was 40 when she was born and her father, who died last year shortly before Tom and I got married, was 57 at the time of her birth. She was here when he died and her first response was, Mum you've talked so much about death all of my life and have prepared me so well for this day, it is not such a difficulty now that it is here. I have been trained to expect it and think about it intensively.

Having said all of that, it would seem that even when we are expecting it, it always comes as a shock. It was hardly ever on time, there was nearly always some unfinished business. So in other words, the Maori way is something good. In fact my Maori friend Lynne, announced to me very shortly after I became friends with her, that she had told her family that they have to allow me to sit next to the coffin at her wake. At the time, didn't quite get the gist of this honour, but I have slowly through observation caught on to why they do things this way.

Enough of my ramblings!

Bridget

SOME STAGES OF FEAR?

Written 2.6.11

Dear Friends,

I wrote a letter to you 2 days ago, deep in anguish. I felt like I was going off my head. Some might think I was having a huge pity party and maybe they are right. I guess few can put themselves exactly in my shoes and unless you have been down a similar path, it could be hard to imagine what some of the thoughts and paths are.

As you have all so kindly replied and given me your support not only in the past days, but also for a year or more, I am deeply indebted.

I feel it only right that I explain some of what went on in the past hours, which brought me to complete despair. Your prayers and God working in me have brought me out. Yesterday afternoon, I was able to invite two of our friends, who knew nothing about these hours, go out with them, enjoy Indian food and some time chatting about things, as if there wasn’t a care in the world. I specifically wanted there to be no talk about illness please!

So what was the problem?

Well my cancer experiences, agony, difficulties in controlling the lower section of my body, being able to do hundreds of movements, like opening a heavy/sticky drawer, moving my body around in bed or getting up, were all impossible after radiation last year and have little by little, with patience, been mastered, with God's loving help. To the extent that I sent away all the equipment I had been lent, with confidence, and now have only the blocks on the chair to make it easier to get out of it. Oh what a victory, which I have been enjoying for about 3 months now!

Two months ago I went to the specialist and told him I am having new agony in my shoulders and am beginning to not be able to use them in certain movements. It sometimes goes right down to my hands. Praise God, I can still use them though! I felt it had something to do with side effects from the medicine I have to take, but he wasn’t convinced and decided they needed to see what is going on and ordered scans.

The results of these scans have proved that I was right about the shoulders BUT, it has also brought the news that the medicine doesn’t seem to be working anymore. The mother tumour in the breast is now on the increase, also that the vertebrae where the radiation has been radiated have also increased. In fact it appears that the cancer has already taken over one vertebra completely and the doctor was amazed to hear from me that I don’t (yet) have problems with control of bladder and bowels and feelings in the lower pelvic area, (something I had after radiation in September and had overcome after 6 months), thighs etc. In other words the failing of this part of my body is preeminent and could happen at any time shortly. (I feel like I am a walking box of eggs, without a lid, that could be spilled at any moment. I monitor most of my moves now, fearing to do one more move that could start this ball rolling once more).

The news in this last paragraph, is not the initial news I received by phone from the doctor, which was more or less the opposite, quite rosy.So I was ill-prepared for the news I received when I went into his rooms last Tuesday. eg on the phone he said the mother tumour had decreased in the past 6 months by approx 25%, but in reality it has begun to increase and is now on 19%! He hadn't taken enough time to read the report correctly apparently.

So anyway, since last Tuesday 24^th, I have been trying to recompose myself, my thoughts and how my future looks. I can only explain the stages one goes through with cancer as something similar to the 5/8 stages of grief

Denial -  anger – bargaining – depression – acceptance

These stages are not experienced in any one particular order and they can come and go. The final stage is always acceptance. That is when you have finally let go and moved forward.

There is another list which is similar but longer:

Denial – Anger – Fear – Guilt – Shock – depression - acceptance

I was going through one of these stages and now seem to have got out the other side of the walk through the valley of death.I have thrown myself into trying my hardest to get out of this state of pitiful shock? Fear? Depression? as soon as possible, as it was not easy to be walking in what Psalm 23 says: “Even though I walk through the dark valley of death,” These hours seemed like I walked alone there utterly and completely alone with my thoughts of what my future brings and why should I continue to try to prolong my life, with what is apparently going to happen in the next hours? Day? Weeks? Until I finally cease to live here on earth. Why should I put Tom and Jenny through all this misery? Isn’t it easier to just give up now and leave this world? We talk about hell on earth, this could become my hell on earth and on top of that I am making hell on earth for Tom too. He will have to help a lot, as I am even now hardly able to use my hands and arms properly. It was as if something gripped me like a vice for these 36 hours. No other thoughts came close to forcing a hairline crack on the surface of this heap of helpless thoughts!

When your emails returned to me, I was able at least to cry bitterly over your sweet, loving kindness towards me and read the words, but for a further 8 hours it didn’t seem to change anything. But the tears were washing away the sorrow.

Then suddenly, I could feel what you were all talking about in different ways, “because you are with me, I fear no harm. Your rod and staff give me courage.” Then suddenly I seemed to have been taken out of the path of the valley of death and I found God had, “prepared a banquet for me while my enemies watch.” I was once again able to be at peace and partake in the life God has given me.

Then what else do I see He tells me in this psalm? “You anoint my head with oil.” This means He gives me a special blessing, normally in the Anglican Church people are anointed, asking God to heal them. So I assume this has also been given me metaphorically now or really? As a result of this, “My cup overflows.” I can once again enjoy life, accept whatever is ahead of me. “Certainly, goodness and mercy will stay close to me all the days of my life, and I will remain in the Lord’s house for days without end.”

As Jesus has gone before me to prepare a place, I know that when I leave this world I will be in His home, prepared for me. I need not fear, as everything will be given to me in God’s good timing. Alleluia!!!

Today Thursday, 2.6.11: I can gladly say I am beginning to make plans again and find ways to restructure my day. I get up early now and hear Joyce Meyer and then whoever comes after her on our TV, as from 5AM! She has been talking about the 2^nd covenant with God, which means we can communicate with him directly, as he sent Jesus to tell us that we can have God in us.

I was given some Joyce Meyer Books some time ago and didn’t know what I would be using them for, sometimes several copies of the same book. Well I believe I know now. So I am going to find a small group of people who want to come to our home and maybe go through one of the books I think I am being led to read. So I have once more, obviously, found my get up and go.

Some friends have phoned me and encouraged me not to be miserable, as God never gives us more than we can cope with. I still have to decide which path I want to go on with my health though.I continue to ask for God's guidance in all matters, more than ever before.

Please therefore keep praying for me, as I find my way along the road strewn with seeming obstacles, which only God can clear for me.

I also see, that I have to pray more myself and ask God for my healing. “You do not receive, because you do not ask.”

That’s all for now!

Blessings on you all!

Your friend Bridget

“Courage is the act of facing your fears”

emailed 9.6.11

Dear Family & Friends,

Just a shortish note to tell you of how I am now getting on with life with God’s help, guidance and assurance that He is always with me.

I need to thank you once again for your prayers, which seem to have helped me to get up and go again. I REALLY must thank you for your love and diligence towards me! It has grabbed me under the armpits and pulled me up, restored my faith and given me new energy. THANK YOU!! PRAISE YOU!! BLESS YOU ALL!!

Jenny and I were talking about some things a friend of hers was having trouble with, in our normal Saturday chats on Skype. This jogged my memory about things out of my childhood. It opened a door to memories of things not in order from my past. Within seconds of us completing this conversation, Sheilah a wonderful friend in Australia was phoning me and wanting to work with me immediately! So she helped me work through some forgiveness issues which have freed up some energy too, please bless her by praying for her work too! I feel like my Mother who died over 34 years ago now, is finally at peace WITH ME!! We never had a good relationship, which I always regretted, but now finally peace is there. I find nothing bristly when I think of her any more.

Watching Joyce Meyer at the moment encourages me to change things. She is talking all about change! She has some CD’s on Change which I would love to buy, but feel I can’t afford, as I must be careful with money, due to the expenses of medicine needed. So I listen carefully each morning, making notes! The most important thing I heard was: “Courage is the act of facing your fears”. So I decided not to sit around anymore and await the arrival of paralysis, but to begin some kind of exercise regime to try and support my back, by strengthening my muscles and tendons. I am still working through how I will do this daily, but I have found I believe some exercises. Some days Pilates, others Yoga and some further days on my rebounder, for up to an hour. The first day meant I had pain in my back, but the wonder was that since then I am pain free. Alleluia!

God can turn the impossible around! I take courage in the fact that I should according to all medical reports be paralysed, in tremendous pain, but am not. So HE MUST BE DOING SOMETHING!!! Alleluia!

Love Bridget

Please Pray For Me

Email Written 30.5.11 

Dear Friends,

I find it difficult to write. So I will keep it short. Please pray for me. I find myself without any recipe for strength of mind at this moment, I feel lost.

Blessings to you all!

Bridget