What to Pray for Is Your Choice

Hello Cec,

Thank you for your feedback and kind thoughts. I find your idea to give my blog to others a rather good idea. I would ask though that people try to treat me as normally as possible. Constructive, positive feedback and conversation is what will help, whereas feeling sorry for me, will pull me down. There are so many people out there who are worse off than I am!

At the moment I have LITTLE TO NO PAIN, for which I am SO GRATEFUL and should PRAISE GOD DAY AND NIGHT FOR THIS RELEASE!! I like you, truly know what agony is and so know how vital not having pain is, to being able to think straight, have enough energy and be slightly active. Never the less, I find myself caged in by insufficient energy and something invisible restraining me from getting on with life as it is. Perhaps it is necessary to say that I do not fear my situation, I accept it and think there must be a way to overcome all of this. Please God give me clues, help me to find the key to the lock, which locks me in to this spiralling grid of the cancer cells being unwelcome parasites in my system.

THERE IS ONE THING I WOULD LIKE TO REQUEST PRAYER FOR:
Q:What should be prayed for?
A: Whatever you feel is the right thing to be praying for, as you read the details. (Please forgive me for writing so much detail. I would prefer not to tell all of this, but I know that only informed people can react properly.)

Also that my determination increases to eat properly once more and also to rid myself of the unseen blockages which seem to stop me from applying treatments I have here, which I should be doing, but DON’T. That I find the energy to get up and get on with preparation of the correct foods. That I am able to learn to say NO to the many temptations wafting my way each day.

As cancer is also a problem of diet, I have been doing my fair share of special diets, that I am thoroughly sick of! They are neither appetizing nor easy to swallow, they take time and determination to prepare and determination to get through, it's a real mission to get through a bowl of some mixture which is good for you, but sticks in your throat and you just have to keep going, to get it down.

Well, the result is that I have begun to put on a lot of weight, because I am doing binge eating and just 'treating myself' to all the things I am really not allowed to eat and for which I have such a penchant!!! I just love sweets, I just love salty, spicy things and sometimes I am just hungry with low blood sugar and need to get something in my mouth. I should not be eating meat, sugar, salty, spicy things. I should be growing organic and squeezing juices, I should be eating according to a pH list, which means no fruit either, so that I get my body pH to neutral instead of acidic. Cancer likes acidic, but can’t grow in alkaline. So this is where I should be.

My darling Tom, can’t help me much. He can only envisage eating “normally”, a good portion of meat, eggs, cheese, milk, butter etc. etc. Well I have been influenced by having this around me. It was definitely MUCH easier to live on my own and keep to a strict diet than it is now to have biscuits – spicy and sweet, cheese, bread, chocolates, jams, you name it in every cupboard in the kitchen and freezers full of goodies I am basically forbidden to eat.

At the beginning of the discovery of my cancer, I lost all the overweight I had and went down 16kg within 12 weeks. When I met Tom, I had been on this special diet for at least 6 months and had not gained any weight, but was well and happy. Within 6 months I had put on 1-4 kilos, but was well within my weight range. Well since getting married and having had radiation and being unable to move much, I have put on all the weight I lost and am teetering on the brink of increasing, which is not good for my back.

(NB the dietician at the Waikato Hospital says, it is better to have a ‘puffer zone’, so that when a crisis comes along you have the reserve to fall back on. Well I should imagine I have at least two reserves! So basically we could argue that I do not have to lose weight, as sooner or later, there could be a crisis and this would decimate some of the weight in no time. So it would be OK to have these extra bits of rump! But the rump is exactly where the rotten vertebrae are and would be pulling me down on my weakest spot.)

I really need to loose at least 12-14 Kgs. This is only possible if I become more active and can swim again, something which has been impossible for 3 months, due to the side effects of the one drug I take. The pain from the side effects have been so excruciating that I could not use my arms, hands, shoulders and at time the whole body ached so much that there was no place which did not ache. Anyway, we had to decide I take some infusions which might cause a stroke (and believe it won’t,) to counteract this amount of pain, as the ‘preferable’ risk to not being able to use my arms at all. In fact my body was going into lockdown. I have so far had 2 of the infusions and have nearly got most of my arm movement back. The body agony has gone and there are just a few movements which have to improve. i.e. I still have difficulty to take off a jersey, as I cannot get my arms properly to connect, when doing backward movements. Anyway, this is now minor in comparison to what was!

The long and short of it is, there is basically no known, trodden path that will lead to success. There is a constant need to weigh up, pray and listen to God’s message for me. What works for others does not necessarily mean it will work for me and so the journey into the unknown, but putting my hand into the hand of God, will be better than the lit path!


You beat me to it this morning at 3.30, I got up about 4.15, after about 5 hours sleep, which is about the max I get at night, I just cannot relax enough and have been studying - The Therapeutic Effect of Colours. In order to survive this lack of sleep, I have to take a nap several times a day. I try to lie down to sleep for anything that my body will give me for 30 minutes to 1.5h (luxury), to increase the rest during the day. At night, as from about 6 - 8PM, I find myself absolutely exhausted and nod off, having so-called nanna naps for whatever time I am able to sleep, sitting up in my Eazy-boy. Going to bed at 6 and 7 at night means I am up at midnight.

Barbara McGregor, the former district nurse, my lovely friend and supporter who drives me in her capacity as a Red Cross driver to Hamilton at any time, if necessary. She is just such a really marvellous person, dedicated, diplomatic and kindness itself. She arrives in the middle of a crisis with a flower out of her garden in her hand, sits quietly, listens and calms the raging storm by her presence. She gave me this Swiss Bioptron Lamp to use and until recently I was using it without the knowledge about how the theory of light works on our bodies. So I have now decided to buckle down, as she gave me several manuals and information to read and learn. I JUST HAVE TO DO IT.

I find myself sometimes incapable of doing anything constructive to help myself. I have so much equipment here and do not use it. It’s like I have a ball and chain tied to my will power and I feel completely incapable of doing what I know I should be doing. I just CAN’T. I don’t understand this phenomenon, this powerlessness. It must be something to do with loving myself enough to get on and do something about it? I don’t know.

Anyway this morning I am finally able to get started on this subject and will then begin to use the machine properly I suppose within the next days, when I have gathered sufficient info to get on and use it properly.