To Lose Control – To lose the Plot

Every now and again I feel like I am on the brink of losing control of my life and losing the grip on everything around me. I really mean everything. I suppose what really set this off again this time, was the call from William Harless, where it became obvious that the agony in the shoulders could be as a result of resistance to the medicine. So we will now begin to do an MRI scan and discover where in the bones this all is. I have been feeling so good, but now the agony in my arms is getting to the stage of me no longer being able to do much with my arms. First with my left arm, but now rapidly with the right one too, it comes from the shoulder. Any movement above a certain height or reaching backwards, results in me yammering without shame for a period of time.

Yesterday was another one of those days and they frighten me. Those are the days when I would like to leave the world and not bother any more. Because I feel I am not worth loving, nor am I lovable. I see all kinds of things happening to me that are not lovable and must reflect on how I behave or how others perceive me. I read the way people treat me is a direct result of how I see myself and that if I would behave properly, everything would fall into place perfectly. The only way I understand to do things then is to fight back or to give up. What or how is properly?

Give up? NO, NO, NO! NEVER GIVE UP! Rather fight back and retain ground on which to stand and survive. So it is my survival mechanism?

In the afternoon a young man arrived here to complete fixing the roof. I found myself telling Tom or asking him whether he had told the man this or that, then that and then in the end going and telling the young man my experience too. Tom gets mad at me and feels I am undermining him. But looking back on things, I have to say that often when I leave him to do things and don’t interfere, he either forgets or doesn’t do things at all. This lands us up having things either half done or still awaiting his further attendance to the matter – for weeks. Something that just drives me crazy, especially if I think that if he had said what needed to be said straight away, instead of pussy footing around things, then the matter would have been clearly stated and the problem would be solved or in the pipeline being solved.

A few days ago, Tom used the words for some of my behaviour, as being, “in your face”. A terminology he also used for Karen an ex-daughter-in-law. As this phrase isn’t part of my vocabulary, I asked him what does in your face mean. He tried to explain and it would seem that it means words that come into my mind like, tenacious, argumentative, aggressive, etc. Well, I suppose or I know this is not the image I would like to know about myself! Who would? Tenacious, yes I can accept this epithet, argumentative perhaps slightly, but the truth about being aggressive. I have difficulty with and grapple with this observation. This sort of brought on a depression or a fear that I am losing the plot, to which Tom also added that Annemarie and Shirley had said the same about me too.

This kind of thing seems to happen to me often. I feel then that nobody loves me then, or I am unlovable and I am always doing all the things no one finds acceptable. Then I realise I have never had the example of how I should behave and then I just repeat the kind of behaviour I saw my Father had. I just wish at this stage that Tom would help me, by showing me how to do things differently, but I probably couldn’t do things his way, as he has bought his peaceful life at a high price too.

The choice of having peace, means to give in. In most cases, I am unable to do this as I find that some of what I say, do or believe in is important for my life. Also being right is important to me, if I was in the right, why can’t the other person accept that and apologise. But, there could perhaps be less aggression to what I say and do. So where or how do I find the happy medium between standing my ground with grace and being totally obnoxious?

I don’t see a way to finding this or learning this lesson.

Q: Why do I have to stand my ground?
A: Because I wasn’t acknowledged enough as a child.

So my aggression is due to a need to be acknowledged as a child and here I am a 62 – nearly 63 year old, still fighting for my right to be acknowledged for things of the past. If I had been acknowledged or finally learned the lesson of non-acknowledgement not being the end of my right to exist, then could I be at peace?

How do I learn this lesson and have peace in my life, once and for all?