Two weeks ago, I was told that the liver lesion and breast tumour were both probably getting larger. I had to have a CT scan to check this out. I told my oncologist then that I was of the opinion I was healing. She gave me an odd look, which more or less said, “I’ve heard all of this before.” But then she said, “Ok, but don’t stop taking the drugs you are taking.”
Due to all this Doomsday talk, I decided I had better begin to organise my bucket list dream trip around the world. What a difficulty that was to get together! I felt like I was a kid in a sweet shop for the first time. The only problem being there was no mum, grandma or godfather there to pay for the outing, I have to foot the bill myself! No matter that I have no money at the moment, as I have still to sell my house. But, when I think that maybe next year I won’t be able to make the same trip, you have to pull out all the stops and go ahead with the bucket list, no matter what. The peculiar thing was all the time I was making these plans, a little voice kept telling me, although you are planning this trip as if it is your last, it will not be your last. You will have plenty of possibilities to travel again, but go ahead and do this one, just in case. So that you do not have to regret anything.
Also I began reading this fascinating book called “Defy Gravity” – Healing beyond the bounds of Reason – Caroline Myss and I kept getting the feeling that this is what has been happening to me recently – I just must be healing, if this is how it happens!?!
So I went to see the oncologist today, to hear the results, expecting the worst, due to all the comments of the past weeks - the liver being a big indicator of how the cancer is taking hold of the body. I get in her office and she says to me, “You know you said the other day that you are healing, well I think you might be right! Your liver and your breast tumour have not increased at all, in fact the indications at the moment are that they might be less clearly defined, which indicates a possible decrease is happening. I know you are a strong woman and your positive approach to this whole thing has helped you. Just continue to be positive about it all and you will be alright.”
So I told her how delighted I am and despite the good news, I will be going on an around the world trip for about 8 weeks, just to make sure I get some of my bucket list completed. She is happy with this and we have made an appointment to see her in November.
The past few weeks have not been at all easy for me. So far I had always believed I would pull through all of this, but the constant visits to the hospital and the non-committal approach of some of the medical staff was difficult to handle. It was definitely pulling me down. “Experts” saying negative things, influence more than they can imagine. It takes much courage, faith and determination to find the strength to swim against such a tide and stay positive.
So now, there is nothing stopping me from doing my big trip, the only bigger obstacle to be overcome, is the actual suitcase which I will not be allowed to carry or lift at any stage of the journey. I guess I will have to drop my pride and get used to this hindrance!
There is nothing stopping me from planning my trip now and I will probably leave some time during the last 10 days of August. Returning towards the end of October sometime.
I thought you might like to read an excerpt from the book I am now finding so interesting and inspiring: (The bold and underlining are mine.)
“Our powers of reason are, if anything, among the greatest challenges to our healing, because rationality insists on discovering an explanation for why things happen as they do, including why we become ill. There is rarely one explanation, however, for why a person falls ill or enters into a cycle of trauma. .... For all the many healing methods you can study and incorporate into your life, including various therapies and nutritional programmes – many of which are beneficial, no doubt – the complete recovery of your health requires more than these options can individually or collectively supply. While they can regenerate your energy and make you feel better for a day or a week, your “energy” is not the substance that heals. Grace is what heals. And grace does not come from a diet or from working through traumatic memories or an unhappy childhood. Grace is provided abundantly through prayer.
Of course, when it comes to certain types of healings, sometimes more than just prayer is called for. For example, prayer cannot be expected to compensate for a lack of common sense. You must adhere to your allopathic or complementary healing protocols.... as well as to personal practices that enhance health ....proper nutrition, exercise.... But you must simultaneously do what is called for from within: that is forgive the past; accept what cannot be changed in your life; relinquish any personal agenda for how your healing should unfold; and be present to your life as it is right now. Although no path can guarantee a healing, you can place yourself on the path with the fewest obstacles. For example, most people struggle with forgiveness, precisely because it is against the nature of our reason to forgive. Forgiveness doesn’t make emotional sense to us, much less appeal to our pride, although it might sound great in theory. Our reason and our emotions prefer the logic of justice, an eye for an eye, a hurt for a hurt. Forgiveness seems to fly in the face of that, as if we are letting the person who wrongs us off the hook. But forgiveness is a mystical act, not a reasonable one. Forgiveness is a challenge meant to cleanse the windows of your mind, particularly those through which you can see only your need for personal justice. You can’t see anyone else’s pain through these windows, because, like mirrors, they reflect only you: you are the centre of the universe, yours is the only pain that counts, and all that is just and fair should be based on what serves your life.
The mind may never be able to come to terms with forgiveness; by its very nature the mind is forever concocting strategies for ego repair and enhancement, particularly if you have suffered from a wound that included humiliation. Forgiveness represents a struggle not only between yourself and the person who harmed you, but between yourself and God. It can be an initiation into the level of perception where you begin to comprehend that individual justice, as such, can never really exist in its idyllic form within any society. The capacity to forgive is nothing less than the acceptance of a higher principle of divine justice, rather than earthly justice, as the organizing element behind the event of your life. When understood through the lens of this higher principle, events and relationships take on an impersonal quality. People’s actions are driven by forces that have nothing to do with you, even though you might get harmed when you stand in their way. Or you might harm those who happen to be in your way – even if you care deeply for them.”
There is indeed reason to believe I am being healed. According to the normal medical procedures I have done nearly nothing they would have recommended. I did not have my breast amputated, the doctor did not give me the medicine which would have stopped the cancer from spreading to my spine and several other parts of my body and yet despite this all normally leading to an early demise, I am having this new hope and NO PAIN. All things which no one at the hospital can explain! It is all pretty amazing and if it all continues to heal, then it is something that the doctors cannot take as a hit they have made on their own. So it is really quite mind boggling at the moment and a sign of my faith. I have also promised God that if I survive this, He should use me to work for Him. I truly look forward to doing this!!
Thank you all for your thoughts, prayers and encouragement, since I got ill!
It is so good to know there are a band of people around the world who pray for me. When I consider where you all live, it is like a 24 hour prayer chain around the world.
What a blessing you all are to me! Thank you!
Much love to you all!
Bridget
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