SOME STAGES OF FEAR?

Written 2.6.11

Dear Friends,

I wrote a letter to you 2 days ago, deep in anguish. I felt like I was going off my head. Some might think I was having a huge pity party and maybe they are right. I guess few can put themselves exactly in my shoes and unless you have been down a similar path, it could be hard to imagine what some of the thoughts and paths are.

As you have all so kindly replied and given me your support not only in the past days, but also for a year or more, I am deeply indebted.

I feel it only right that I explain some of what went on in the past hours, which brought me to complete despair. Your prayers and God working in me have brought me out. Yesterday afternoon, I was able to invite two of our friends, who knew nothing about these hours, go out with them, enjoy Indian food and some time chatting about things, as if there wasn’t a care in the world. I specifically wanted there to be no talk about illness please!

So what was the problem?

Well my cancer experiences, agony, difficulties in controlling the lower section of my body, being able to do hundreds of movements, like opening a heavy/sticky drawer, moving my body around in bed or getting up, were all impossible after radiation last year and have little by little, with patience, been mastered, with God's loving help. To the extent that I sent away all the equipment I had been lent, with confidence, and now have only the blocks on the chair to make it easier to get out of it. Oh what a victory, which I have been enjoying for about 3 months now!

Two months ago I went to the specialist and told him I am having new agony in my shoulders and am beginning to not be able to use them in certain movements. It sometimes goes right down to my hands. Praise God, I can still use them though! I felt it had something to do with side effects from the medicine I have to take, but he wasn’t convinced and decided they needed to see what is going on and ordered scans.

The results of these scans have proved that I was right about the shoulders BUT, it has also brought the news that the medicine doesn’t seem to be working anymore. The mother tumour in the breast is now on the increase, also that the vertebrae where the radiation has been radiated have also increased. In fact it appears that the cancer has already taken over one vertebra completely and the doctor was amazed to hear from me that I don’t (yet) have problems with control of bladder and bowels and feelings in the lower pelvic area, (something I had after radiation in September and had overcome after 6 months), thighs etc. In other words the failing of this part of my body is preeminent and could happen at any time shortly. (I feel like I am a walking box of eggs, without a lid, that could be spilled at any moment. I monitor most of my moves now, fearing to do one more move that could start this ball rolling once more).

The news in this last paragraph, is not the initial news I received by phone from the doctor, which was more or less the opposite, quite rosy.So I was ill-prepared for the news I received when I went into his rooms last Tuesday. eg on the phone he said the mother tumour had decreased in the past 6 months by approx 25%, but in reality it has begun to increase and is now on 19%! He hadn't taken enough time to read the report correctly apparently.

So anyway, since last Tuesday 24^th, I have been trying to recompose myself, my thoughts and how my future looks. I can only explain the stages one goes through with cancer as something similar to the 5/8 stages of grief

Denial -  anger – bargaining – depression – acceptance

These stages are not experienced in any one particular order and they can come and go. The final stage is always acceptance. That is when you have finally let go and moved forward.

There is another list which is similar but longer:

Denial – Anger – Fear – Guilt – Shock – depression - acceptance

I was going through one of these stages and now seem to have got out the other side of the walk through the valley of death.I have thrown myself into trying my hardest to get out of this state of pitiful shock? Fear? Depression? as soon as possible, as it was not easy to be walking in what Psalm 23 says: “Even though I walk through the dark valley of death,” These hours seemed like I walked alone there utterly and completely alone with my thoughts of what my future brings and why should I continue to try to prolong my life, with what is apparently going to happen in the next hours? Day? Weeks? Until I finally cease to live here on earth. Why should I put Tom and Jenny through all this misery? Isn’t it easier to just give up now and leave this world? We talk about hell on earth, this could become my hell on earth and on top of that I am making hell on earth for Tom too. He will have to help a lot, as I am even now hardly able to use my hands and arms properly. It was as if something gripped me like a vice for these 36 hours. No other thoughts came close to forcing a hairline crack on the surface of this heap of helpless thoughts!

When your emails returned to me, I was able at least to cry bitterly over your sweet, loving kindness towards me and read the words, but for a further 8 hours it didn’t seem to change anything. But the tears were washing away the sorrow.

Then suddenly, I could feel what you were all talking about in different ways, “because you are with me, I fear no harm. Your rod and staff give me courage.” Then suddenly I seemed to have been taken out of the path of the valley of death and I found God had, “prepared a banquet for me while my enemies watch.” I was once again able to be at peace and partake in the life God has given me.

Then what else do I see He tells me in this psalm? “You anoint my head with oil.” This means He gives me a special blessing, normally in the Anglican Church people are anointed, asking God to heal them. So I assume this has also been given me metaphorically now or really? As a result of this, “My cup overflows.” I can once again enjoy life, accept whatever is ahead of me. “Certainly, goodness and mercy will stay close to me all the days of my life, and I will remain in the Lord’s house for days without end.”

As Jesus has gone before me to prepare a place, I know that when I leave this world I will be in His home, prepared for me. I need not fear, as everything will be given to me in God’s good timing. Alleluia!!!

Today Thursday, 2.6.11: I can gladly say I am beginning to make plans again and find ways to restructure my day. I get up early now and hear Joyce Meyer and then whoever comes after her on our TV, as from 5AM! She has been talking about the 2^nd covenant with God, which means we can communicate with him directly, as he sent Jesus to tell us that we can have God in us.

I was given some Joyce Meyer Books some time ago and didn’t know what I would be using them for, sometimes several copies of the same book. Well I believe I know now. So I am going to find a small group of people who want to come to our home and maybe go through one of the books I think I am being led to read. So I have once more, obviously, found my get up and go.

Some friends have phoned me and encouraged me not to be miserable, as God never gives us more than we can cope with. I still have to decide which path I want to go on with my health though.I continue to ask for God's guidance in all matters, more than ever before.

Please therefore keep praying for me, as I find my way along the road strewn with seeming obstacles, which only God can clear for me.

I also see, that I have to pray more myself and ask God for my healing. “You do not receive, because you do not ask.”

That’s all for now!

Blessings on you all!

Your friend Bridget